Things I Never Thought I Had to Think About Again

Posted by on Feb 4, 2014 in Heartfelt | 1 comment

So, it has been a little over a year since I became Ground Zero in my marriage.  You know – the woman with the psyche resembling a smoldering heap of rubble?  That was me this time last year.  You may not have noticed it, because I did a whole lotta research which suggested that if I could keep myself together, it would be exponentially better for the kids.  So I kept myself together.

I stitched myself together with sealing wax and baling twine and maybe a staple or two and I focused forward.  Every moment my goal was simply to make it to the next moment.  And when that became possible, my goal was to make it to the next minute.  Then the next hour.  The next day.  The next week.

Before I knew it, the summer was gone.  I had a new job, new daycare, new tap classes, new online classes and a new rhythm.  Don’t get me wrong, it has been beyond exhausting.  And slightly unpredictable.  But manageable.  All of it.  Woo!  Go me!!

I realized that, even though I’ve been saying that I’ve been looking forward, I had been saying it to convince myself that I wasn’t sliding backward.  Until this weekend.

All of a sudden, I really am looking forward.  The thought popped into my head, “Aww, crap!  If I ever date someone again, I’ve got to think about birth control.”

Wha???

Oh, yeah.  When the husband who has had the vasectomy isn’t the husband any more, the wife who will likely be fertile for the next ten years needs to think about that.

Drat.  Didn’t see that one coming.

What am I looking for, anyway?  I haven’t been on a first date in 21 years (on Valentine’s Day).  If I’d had a baby on that first date, it would be an adult who is capable of ordering his or her own alcoholic drink.

I’m not interested in dating… yet.  I don’t want to be strapped into a relationship any time soon.  Would it be nice to go to a movie with someone?  Yeah.  But I don’t mind keeping all the popcorn to myself, either.

I’m not ready.  The thought of trying to squeeze in a relationship in addition to everything else I’m doing is nauseating.  I don’t get enough sleep to spend an hour on the phone with someone each night.

If I take some time for myself on the weekends I don’t have the kids, I don’t get all the stuff done I need to get done because even my “free” time is consumed by laundry, housecleaning, homework, and snow removal.  If one of those tasks gets put off, it takes me an entire week to get caught up.  And that kind of stinks.  So taking time for a date?  Only if the guy wants to come shovel my driveway or dust the house.

And then there’s the whole issue of meeting someone.  Exactly where would that happen?  Not at work because it’s against company policy and most of my co-workers think 25 is, like, old.  And the only other place I run into people is at my kids’ activities or the dance studio and all of those guys have families and wives and (as I’ve said on numerous occasions) married/involved men are off-limits.

The result of all of this deep thinking?  I will be spending Valentine’s Day with my kids — and I will enjoy it.  I won’t pressure myself into a dating world I don’t want to be in.  Just yet, anyway.

One Comment

  1. You know, I have no doubt that when you are ready, HE will appear. He of the snow shovel and the laundry expertise. He who adores you and your children and steps right into your life as a force of love, connection, healing, joy, etc. I literally have no doubt. I love your self awareness.

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