My fingertips tingled and every heartbeat send a river of panic running through my legs.
I checked my watch again. 12:20. My appointment was at 12:30, but I couldn’t sit in my office any longer. I don’t know why I thought sitting in the waiting room would be better, but there I was. Early.
And terrified.
Deep breath in, sigh out. 12:27.
I fidgeted with my phone, turning off the ringer. No interruptions. Phone in my purse, phone out of my purse. Phone in my pocket, phone back to my purse.
12:32.
Why hadn’t they called me back yet?
12:34. I am called back. I willed myself off the chair and shuffled my barely responsive feet after the nurse, grateful that I had decided not to wear heels.
12:36. More waiting, this time in the exam room. I studied a complex diagram of the human ear and throat. They didn’t even have a picture showing the lymph node in my neck — the one that had been biopsied ten days earlier. The node was still swollen, a yellowish bruise bloomed along the underside of my right jawbone. The doctor had taken six samples that day, guided by ultrasound. I had been jabbed in the neck eight times, though, because the local anesthetic wore off during the third sample, so he re-administered the fiery lidocaine. It wore off during the final sample, too, so I felt the needle searching, felt it poking through the growth on my node, felt it scraping and sucking, felt that pain all the way from my ear to my collarbone.
12:38 I heard the doctor in the hall. In an attempt to turn invisible, I barely breathed, but he entered another patient’s room. The diagram of the human ear blurred slightly as I found air again.
Phone in my pocket, phone out of my pocket. I lifted the hair off the back of my sweaty neck.
12:41 I heard the doctor in the hall again. Time stopped as the door to my exam room swung open and the doctor entered. He sat on a wheeled stool and scooted it closer to me as he studied the sheets of paper in his hands. I looked at the back of the sheets and tried to decipher the words through the paper. It didn’t work, so I sat motionless and held my breath.
“OK. Let’s go over these results!”
He turned my exam chair slightly and moved his stool so that we could both see the papers. The letters danced wildly in front of my eyes, forming conga lines of abbreviations, marching up and down and all over the white sheets.
“First of all, they found no evidence of malignancy.”
Boom! The world blazed with color and the terror what had intertwined itself around my heart began to release its grip. My lungs filled and emptied, free from the restraint of my fear.
I murmured, “Oh, thank goodness.”
The rest of the appointment was a blink. Follow-up in nine months.
I can handle that, because I don’t have cancer.
56 Comments
Trackbacks/Pingbacks
- My Keurig | iasoupmama.com - [...] Thank you for watching my babies after a sleepless night of worry while I found out that I don’t ...
Leave a Reply
Souper Sutff
Wow, you did such a great job writing this.
I went through the same thing a few years ago and you described the situation perfectly.
Amber recently posted..Lost in the Fog
Thank you — not my favorite day ever, LOL!
Wow, you did a great job describing this.
I went through the same thing a few years ago and I know what that was like.
Thank you!
YAY!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 I'm so happy and relieved for you, my dear. Muchas smooches!
Muchas smooches for you, too!
Hooray for no cancer!!!
Natalie the Singingfool recently posted..Not as Irish as I Thought
Yes, hooray!
I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until the doctor spoke. The way you built the tension just sucked me into that exam room with you.
that cynking feeling recently posted..Four minutes to fail
Thank you — it was a crazy tense wait…
I am super squeamish about all things medical, so I almost passed out when you wrote about the needles, etc. The good news is that is some great writing b/c I was right there. And I am so with you on the phone in the purse, out of the purse, in the pocket….
THANK GOD IT WAS NOTHING SERIOUS.
Yes, thank all things good and holy that I am healthy!
OMG. you had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. So happy for you. Good news!!! Thanks for sharing
Ellen @ Bad Word Mama recently posted..Reflection
Thank you and yes, very good news!
Wow, you really capture those moments of panic. Glad to hear that you will be ok!
rogue wino recently posted..Biting Back
Thank you — I’m glad, too.
Great job with the slowing of time here. Also? GREAT NEWS!
Oh, and after writing about names this week, I spelled my name wrong. Stupid phones.
Ha!
Thank you — and, yes, GREAT NEWS!
I am so glad that everything is ok and that you are safe and sound. You wrote the tension in this piece so incredibly well. You were every single person who has ever sat in a doctors office waiting for news.
Samantha Brinn Merel recently posted..Thirteen
Thank you — and yes, I am glad all is good, too.
I am so relieved with the ending of this. So well told, you had me really worried.
Michelle Longo recently posted..Curses! Van Morrison!
Thank you — I was really worried, too. REALLY WORRIED!
Wow, after nearly fainting during the squeamish stuff, I let out a very long exhale at the end! So glad all is well!
Dana recently posted..Fashionably Challenged
Thank you — I’m glad all is well, too.
What a relief! I’m so glad it isn’t cancer.
Bee recently posted..The Hows of Quitting Smoking
Thank you and yes RELIEF!
Whoooo! *Hi5* You don’t have cancer!!!! Really happy for you…I could feel the anxiety and fear leading up. Must have been extremely nerve racking – you had ME worried!
Tomekha recently posted..The Valley Of Decision
This was a very, very scary day. Glad that it is over and all is well.
Thank God for happy endings! And thank you for sharing your good news. I was holding my breath throughout and almost skipped to the end just to end the tension. I’m grateful I didn’t – wouldn’t want to miss even one of your splendid words. Congratulations!
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..Ancient Chinese Secret
Thank you and yes, thank goodness for a clean bill of health.
Oh, how scary! I was right there with you in the room. So happy you have the all clear!
Lori Wise recently posted..Zip it, Skippy!
Me, too. Happy doesn’t even begin to describe it…
This was YESTERDAY? Oh my! I’m so glad you are ok. I know how scary that is. I loved the details in your writing, especially with the phone.
Stacie recently posted..Routine Tests
Well, Monday. And yes, I’m glad I’m OK, too! Really glad!
Such a relief and what accurate descriptions. I am such a time checker in situations like that.
Robbie recently posted..Big Yankee Rocks
I know. I deliberately didn’t wear a watch, but having my phone was pretty much the same thing. And, yes, RELIEF!
Hallelujah! What a relief! I’m so glad for you. I love the way you used time to illustrate the dread of the wait and uncertainty and the line “the world blazed with color” is terrific. It made me feel relief along with you, as if the heat of the stressful moment washed over you and lifted.
I did feel completely washed over. There’s such a strong physical response to relief like that.
God, how scary! I’m so glad it was benign. Really tense, well written piece!
Larks (@LarksNotesThis) recently posted..Snow White.
I’m so glad it was benign, too. Because my post would have been something else entirely if it wasn’t…
Oh Courtenay! That was so incredibly intense.
I am so glad that everything is clear and happy and filled with sunshine and rainbows.
Wait… there is sunshine and rainbows, right?
*hugs*
Dawn Beronilla recently posted..Sometimes I Worry My Husband’s Wife Is Crazy
Sunshine and rainbows? Not quite yet. Maybe someday. I’ve got one more trial to get through and then we’ll see about the sunshine. Fortunately, the next trial isn’t life-or-death. Life changing, yes. But no death possibility.
Whew and Yay! I wish they would tell you that oh-so-important stuff as soon as they find out – the stress of waiting can’t do anyone any good!
Yes, I do wish that they would tell you ASAP so you don’t have to hyperventilate while waiting. And YAY!
Gahhh! Can I breathe now? I think I held my breath for that whole post. I’m sooooo relieved for you, dear! Whew. xo
Peach recently posted..Come What May
Thank you — I’m relieved, too. 2013 has been a crap-tastic year so far, but getting good news on the health front is exactly what I needed.
I absolutely love the way you wrote every little event with timestamps. Also – YAY! – I can imagine how relieving it must have been as the absence of malignancy was confirmed. Very nice description of the whole process.
mediumSuccess recently posted..Found and Lost
Yes, definitely YAY! Thank you!
fantastic!! i hung on every word. thank goodness. whew!!
I agree — thank goodness!
Aaah. You’ve really captured the agony of waiting here. (I am so relieved for you!)
marika recently posted..Thank you
I am very relieved, too. Whew!
Whew. I’m so glad you are OK. I couldn’t even imagine having to go
through that.
Yes, I’m OK — thank goodness!!